Amazing Meeting Transcript In Which Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine Gets Command of the US Navy's 8th Fleet (Parody IX)

Meeting Participants:

Lloyd Austin, Secretary of Defense of the United States

Adm. Mike Gilday, Chief of Naval Operations (CNO) US Navy

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Four-star Admiral in the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps

Transcript of the Meeting: (Strong Language Warning)

Austin: Thanks Mike for coming over to help me with this new four-star admiral the president just commissioned.

Gilday: OK, so what do you expect me to do about it?

Austin: He…she…it needs a command.

Gilday: #uck this…in what class did he…she…it graduate from the academy? You people in this so-called #ucking administration are so #ucking out of your minds.

Austin: You know that he…she…it doesn’t even know what the academy is. Look, let’s make this easier for both of us, first of all let’s call whatever it is an “it,” OK?

Gilday: #uck this! Lloyd, don’t you know that you are a pawn of the Chinese Communist Party that is running your fake president and the rest of this fake administration? You’re on #ucking thin ice right now, brother…you ever heard of devolution?

Austin: #uck you Mike. You know that that cocksucker Trump and his presidential emergency action documents aren’t worth shit. When will you guys ever figure out that Trump isn’t president anymore…Joseph R. Biden is the president and I am his Secretary of Defense on behalf of the Raytheon Corporation.

Gilday: Raytheon, you actually #ucking admit it…what a #ucking loser. Yeah, well let’s get on with it…nothing that happens now will mean anything when continuity of government kicks in.

Austin: I’m going to invite it into the meeting now…now it’s a flag officer and you have to find an appropriate fleet for it to be the flag officer over, understand? …and mind your #ucking manners, it’s a lady.

Gilday: #uck you.

[Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine enters the conversation]

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Well hello gentlemen…so lovely of you to have me over today. It was so great that my hairdresser could do me this morning for this meeting…how does it look? You know I was wearing it long down on my shoulders and the girls told me that if I was going to be on a boat that I should wear it back in a bun so it wouldn’t become all frizzy and unmanageable. I am just scared stiff that my mascara will run on the boat…do you know what that looks like when your mascara runs?

Gilday: We’re #ucked.

Four-star Admiral Rachel Levine: What did you say?

Austin: Uh, Admiral Levine, let me introduce you to Admiral Gilday, Chief of Naval Operations.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: I am so impressed, wow, Chief of Naval Operations and I love your uniform, can I get one in dark blue like yours? They gave me this white uniform and it just doesn’t go with my hair color, you know blond and white is just yucchi! And I know that I’ll get spots all over it, white is so hard to take care of, but I love these gold buttons all over, don’t you think that they set off well against these gold stripes on my sleeves?

Austin: Uh, Admiral Levine, Admiral Gilday and I wanted to meet with you so that we could find an appropriate command for you as a flag officer in the US Navy. You know as a four-star admiral you stand in a long and distinguished line of naval officers…Nimitz, Halsey, Spruance…and since you have reached your position in what one might say is an unconventional manner…

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Unconventional manner? You mean because I’m a woman? Because I’ve been divorced from both a man and from a woman?

Austin: No, no, it’s because you have no background in the Navy…pretty much all of our flag officers in the Navy have had some prior experience in the Navy, and actually most of them went to the US Naval Academy at Annapolis for their college educations.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Well, I am a pediatrician and if you don’t think taking shit from those little brats is tough when you are a Harvard trained medical doctor, you’ve got another thing commin’.

Gilday: Admiral Levine, do you have any maritime experience, like have you ever been on a boat?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Oh yes! I have been on five Celebrity gay cruises! I did the eastern Caribbean cruise twice, the western Caribbean once, and…you know, it’s hard just doing the gay bars all the time…you have to get out there on a boat where hooking up is much easier. I have had a lot of experiences on boats if you know what I mean.

Gilday: Yes, I guess I do know what you mean but I can’t imagine what that looks like.

Austin: Mike, we have to find an appropriate command for Admiral Levine, do you have any ideas?

Gilday: You know Lloyd, you’re hitting me with this a little unprepared…uh…let me think…uh…yeah, I have a great idea. Admiral Levine, aren’t you from Pennsylvania? Anywhere near Philadelphia?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Why, I grew up in Massachusetts but have spent most of my recent professional career at Hershey Medical in Hershey, Pennsylvania…about eighty miles west of Philadelphia.

Gilday: Well we’ve got the perfect command for you…the US Navy's 8th Fleet is based at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and all its ships are in port right now…and will be there for a long time for sure.

Austin: I didn’t know that we had an 8th Fleet in the Navy?

Gilday: There’s a lot of things you Army boys don’t know about the Navy.

Austin: Watch that “boy” stuff Mike.

Gilday: Yeah well we know why you got that job…affirmative action is the most popular phrase around the table at the joint chiefs.

Austin: #uck you.

Gilday: Anyway, Admiral Levine, the 8th Fleet has some major league ships in it…it’s got the aircraft carrier John F. Kennedy, it’s got a big destroyer, the John Barry, it’s got eight, count ‘em, eight guided missile frigates, it’s got a guided missile destroyer, why Admiral Levine you could take Camden, New Jersey without any of your ships even leaving the pier…which they can’t do anyway (sotto voce).

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Oh, Admiral Gilday, I am so excited! Wait till I tell the girls! I’m going to have frigates! That sounds so naughty!

Gilday: You’re going to have frigates alright.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: What am I going to do with all those frigates? That’s so many frigates!

Gilday: Well Admiral Levine, are you in pretty good physical shape?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Are you kidding me? Look at this absolutely splendid body! Have you ever seen anything like it? I’m ready for action…you’ve never seen anything like me on a Celebrity cruise!

Gilday: Well the 8th Fleet is a super secret fleet that we keep in a status called “mothballs.” The fleet is kept in reserve in Philadelphia in case the United States goes to war with Canada and we have to defend the east coast from marauding Canadians coming down the east coast in disguised fishing boats from Newfoundland. You’ve never seen war until you’ve fought Newfies! Your job as fleet admiral will be to inspect every ship in your fleet from stem to stern for adequate mothballs every day of your command. Do you know what moths do to clothes? They put holes in them…can you imagine what would happen to ships if the moths get a hold of them? They’ll eat holes in the bottoms of the ships and they will sink right at the pier…and never be able to fight again!

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Oh my god, Admiral Gilday, that’s absolutely terrible! I had no idea about the Newfies…and Canada, you know they are so gay and that Justin…he’s got to go both ways but he’s so shy.

Gilday: In our business you can’t be too careful.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: What’s a stem and what’s a stern? And where will I get all the mothballs that I need to keep the moths from eating holes in the bottoms of the boats?

Gilday: There’s both a Home Depot and a Lowe’s in South Philly near the Navy Yard that will probably have all the mothballs that you’ll need…and both are right near the command headquarters we’ll set up for you at the Super 8 Motel on South Broad Street and, the stem is the front of the boat and the stern is the back of the boat.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Oh my, there’s so much to learn! I wish that I had gone to that place you talked about Secretary Austin…

Gilday: You mean the Naval Academy?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine: Yes, yes, that’s the place! That sounds like so much fun with all those handsome young sailors.

Austin: Yes, uh, well, um…Admiral Gilday will you please see to setting up Admiral Levine as fleet admiral of the 8th Fleet as soon as possible…maybe get her tickets to what’s left of the Eagles season too…I understand they’re goin’ pretty cheap these days.

Gilday: Yeah right, we’ll certainly take good care of Admiral Levine…she is without doubt the most qualified fleet admiral we’ve ever had for the 8th Fleet.

[transcript ends]