Absolutely Incredible!! Captured Transcript of Call Between Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg and Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine In Which Supply Chain Crisis Is Solved!! (Parody X)

Participants:

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation, former mayor of South Bend, Indiana

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet, former pediatrician at Hershey Medical, Hershey Pennsylvania

[Transcript:]

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Hi Admiral Levine…thanks for taking my call…I’m sure that you are very pressed while taking on your new command of the Navy’s 8th Fleet.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Oh, Petey, you know that you can always call me Rach no matter what high position of responsibility in our military government I achieve! …and I am never too busy for you…you’re one of us after all.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Rach, you know that coming out of the closet like I did is one thing…but what you trannies have done is truly courageous…no wonder they made you an admiral. I can just see you standing on the bridge of one of those big destroyers, your beautiful blond locks blowing in the sea breeze surrounded by those gorgeous young sailors who can’t take their eyes off of you.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Oh, Petey, you are so poetic…so romantic! Yes, that day will hopefully come…but you know it will take the invasion of something called the Newfies from I think part of Canada…and this is super secret so you can’t tell anybody…my 8th Fleet is a super, super secret fleet that is based here in the Philadelphia Navy Yard in case these things they call Newfies decide to invade like Atlantic City or Asbury Park or some place like that…I don’t know why… from this island near Canada called Newfoundland…I think that’s the place. Anyway, all the boats in my fleet are tied to the piers and can’t go anywhere unless the Newfies attack…so I guess my hair won’t be blowing in the sea breeze for a while anyway.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Oh, that’s such a shame, but you are still surrounded by handsome young sailors manning your fleet while you are waiting for the Newfies, right?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: No, that’s the thing about this super secret fleet…it is so super secret that there are no sailors…I guess that Admiral Gilday, he’s the Chief of Naval Operations, only trusts me to know about it along with the maintenance guy who helps me with the mothballs.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: The mothballs?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Yes, Admiral Gilday told me that this is a special fleet called a mothball fleet. He said that while we are waiting for the Newfies to attack that moths could eat holes in the bottoms of the boats and they could sink right at the piers from all the holes, which would be just terrible!

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Wow, I didn’t know that about boats like that.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Admiral Gilday told me that the most important thing that I have to do as fleet admiral of the 8th Fleet is to inspect the boats every day from something called the stem to something called the stern to make sure that there are plenty of mothballs on board to keep the moths away so that they can’t eat holes in the bottom of the boats so they won’t sink at the piers.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Wow, that’s quite a responsibility.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: It sure is, and do you know what I found here when I took command of this fleet? There was not one mothball on any of the boats…not one! I asked the maintenance guy here who went with me to do my inspections where were all the mothballs and do you know what? He had no idea what I was talking about! Can you imagine that? …and he was not very nice about it. He kept using the “F” word every time I politely asked about the mothballs…and this was to me, a four-star admiral! All he said was “F” this and “F” that!

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: That is really disrespectful…must be one of those white supremacist homophobes that Defense Secretary Austin hasn’t drummed out of the military services yet.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Thanks for saying it…that’s exactly what I was thinking. Anyway, I couldn’t get this guy to help me at all with the mothballs so I had to take an Uber over to the Home Depot and then to the Lowe’s here in south Philly to get mothballs for the fleet and, what do you know, they didn’t have any! I was just flabbergasted! I talked to the managers of both stores…I told them who I was and why I needed the mothballs…without telling them about the super secret purpose of the fleet of course…and get this, they both laughed at me! One even went to call security to have me removed from the store…talk about disrespect…these white supremacist homophobes are just all over the place! Anyway, I persisted and they both told me that they have been out of mothballs for weeks because of something called a supply chain breakdown…that there wasn’t a mothball to be had in the entire city of Philadelphia because of this thing that they called a supply chain breakdown.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: That’s incredible…that’s the reason I called you. Vice President Camela called me the other day and said that that dude Ron Klain…I think that he runs the White House for whoever is calling the shots over there…needs for me to take some action as Transportation Secretary that looks like we are doing something to solve that thing you just said, the supply chain breakdown. Well, I’ve been on maternity leave for the last six months and I have no idea what that supply chain breakdown thing is so I asked around at the Department of Transportation and they told me that it has something to do with the distribution of stuff…like stuff has to be moved from where it’s made to where it’s used…something like that…and it takes all kinds of transportation things like trucks, and boats, and these things they call containers…whatever…

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Oh, Petey, I forgot, congratulations on your new twins, what have you named them?

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Yeah, well thanks Rach. It was hard because we didn’t know what gender we were going to assign to each of them…you have no idea how much my husband Chasten and I argued over this…so we decided to call the one who was born with male genitalia Penelope Rose and the one that was born with female genitalia Joseph August…it just made the most sense.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Absolute genius…I would have never figured that out.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Well anyway, they told me here at the department that there are like hundreds of boats with about a million of these things called containers with all this stuff in them sitting in the ocean off of our coasts…and that all of those boats could not get into port to get the containers off because…I don’t know…they kept on explaining it to me and my eyes just glazed over. I kept thinking about poor Chasten at home now looking after little Penelope and Joseph without me…it’s really hard you know. Have you ever worn one of those male breast feeding contraptions? It’s damn uncomfortable and something tells me that the kid isn’t buying it…whatever.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Oh my god, I can’t imagine.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: So anyway, these people at the department were telling me about store shelves going bare and industries closing down and it was all about all these boats sitting in the ocean and then it hit me…we need more boats to hold more of those containers out in the ocean! …and that’s when I thought of you! I heard that you were made into an admiral and I figured that you might have a lot of boats that I could use to hold more containers out in the ocean!

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Oh, Petey, you are an absolute genius…I mean, the ocean is a very big place and it can hold a lot of boats with all those…what did you call them? …containers? Well, I have an aircraft carrier, a big destroyer, a guided missile cruiser, and seven…are you ready…frigates!

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Frigates! That sounds so naughty! What do you do on a frigate?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: I asked the maintenance guy that and he said that I should be able to figure it out. He’s so mean! I’ll ask around at this great gay bar up on Locust Street that I found…I’m sure somebody will know. Anyway, I would love to help you out with the 8th Fleet but it’s supposed to stay here in case the Newfies invade. But, you know what…I really do think that Justin (Trudeau) goes both ways…I’m sure that I can get to him through some of our friends and ask him if he thinks that the Newfies are going to invade us anytime soon…he should know because I think that that Newfoundland island place is part of Canada….I wonder what the Newfies think that they are part of.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Do you really think that you can do that? I mean asking Justin if the Newfies are going to invade? I mean do you think that he would tell you with the Newfies maybe actually being Canadian?

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Yeah, well Admiral Gilday did actually say that they were Canadians, but you never know. Anyway, for you I’ll take my chances. The one problem is that I don’t have any sailors here to take the boats out into the ocean for you, and this maintenance guy is no help.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: OK, well just knowing that the boats are available is important right now…we can make up a press release from the Transportation Department that says that we are taking decisive steps to solve this, um…I can’t remember…oh yeah, supply chain breakdown thing by getting more boats out in the ocean to hold more containers. That will give Vice President Camela something that she can tell that Ron Klain guy and whoever is in charge over there can take credit for the brilliant idea of appointing me as Secretary of Transportation so I could come up with this amazing solution! They didn’t call me South Bend’s marginally above average mayor for nothing!

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Remember, you can’t say anything about the boats coming from my super secret 8th Fleet.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: No problem…I’ll get it written by these people they have here who write things called regulations for the department…no one has any idea what the stuff that they write means anyway…it’s amazing!

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Super, love you Petey, I mean, you know what I mean.

Peter Buttigieg, Secretary of the United States Department of Transportation: Love you too Rach…don’t tell Chasten I said that.

Four-Star Admiral Rachel Levine, Fleet Admiral of the US Navy 8th Fleet: Would I do that? You're so cute!

[transcript ends]