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"Pride Month, which is apparently an international thing now (except in Uganda, where it refers to the lions to which murdered gays are fed)..."

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June 18, 2023
Takimag

The Week’s Leaniest, Meaniest, and Juneteeniest Headlines

HE WUZ KANG
With a million multiple universes, you’d think Marvel could find one with a black supervillain.

It’s not like it’s so rare in ours.

But just as Marvel launched the franchise for black supervillain “Kang,” actor Jonathan Majors blew the deal via multiple charges of assault and strangulation of women (Majors’ attorney released a text in which one of the victims apologized for “making” Majors assault her. In Marvel terms, this is known as the “Killgrave defense”).

As Marvel searches for a less real-life villainous black actor to take over the Kang role, it should be noted that L.A. just witnessed the origin story of an actual black supervillain: “Mister Shush.”

Stefen Sutherland dreams of a world of silence. As a teen, he was the only black in the movie theater not talking to the screen, the only one turning the bass down on his boombox, the only one who preferred da funk to da noise.

In November 2020, Sutherland was rudely awakened by construction workers outside his apartment. Leaping from his window after ingesting Super-Soldier Serum (i.e., fentanyl), Sutherland slashed the throat of the first worker he encountered.

Commissioner Gascon refused to charge Sutherland with attempted murder. Rather, he was given outpatient psychiatric care to “cure” his noise aversion.

Sutherland relocated to an apartment with no construction sites nearby. When a new tenant expressed interest in the upstairs unit, the landlord told her about the central air, the wireless access, and the new carpeting; then he turned and covered his mouth and quickly said, “Oh-and-there’s-a-homicidal-maniac-below-who’ll-kill-you-if-you-make-noise.” And she was like, “What’d you say?” and he was like, “Nothing, just clearing my throat. Here’s the lease!”

Last week that tenant, Jennifer Gomez, creaked her kitchen floor and Sutherland burst into her apartment and shot her 19 times.

Held for murder at Arkham (a.k.a. L.A. County lockup), Mister Shush broods in his cell, as Commissioner Gascon looks for a way to harness his noise-liquidating superpowers for the common good, Suicide Squad-style.

Perhaps letting him loose at a Cardi B concert.

“CURRY UP AND DIE”—A PUNJABI COLUMBO MYSTERY
In India, human feces, and human bodies, are left to rot in the street. India’s like New York City if the garbagemen never went on strike because they were never hired in the first place.

But the deadly train crash that left 288 Hindis hindead was apparently too much even for India’s familiarity with corpse piles. Many still-living victims were left to rot under the bodies of the deceased.

Fortunately, one man was on the case to clean up the mess. India’s greatest detective: Columbai.

Balasore, India. From out of the darkness, the beat-up chassis of an old Peugeot being pulled by an elephant rattles into view. Lieutenant Columbai, wrinkled Nehru jacket, half-smoked hookah, exits.

Sergeant Anilson: “We got a messy one, Lieutenant. Almost 300 corpses. But we think a few of ’em might still be alive.”

Columbai: “I’m from Microsoft Security, sir, and we’ve detected malware on your computer.”

Anilson: “Lieutenant, that doesn’t work if I can see that it’s you.”

Columbai: “Right, right. Sorry. [Pause] I’m Agent Patrick MacGruder from the IRS, and you owe back taxes.”

Anilson: “Again, sir, that doesn’t work in-person.”

Columbai: “Damn, I keep forgetting.”

CONTINUE READING: https://www.takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-246/