July 2, 2023
Takimag
The Week’s Most Shirkin’, Twerkin’, and Fireworkin’ Headlines
COMPAÑÍA DE TRES
Immigration’s taken a terrible toll on American farce.
Three’s Company was a pre-diversity TV show in which every episode revolved around a character misreading a situation and never asking for clarification.
Example:
Mr. Angelino (bursting into the apartment and hustling Jack into the kitchen, to the confusion of Janet and Chrissy): “Jack, my boy, famous French chef Pierre Brûlée got ptomaine from his pâté! I need you to fill in for him at the restaurant critics dinner!”
Jack: “But this is my weekend off with the girls!”
Angelino: “I’ll pay you overtime!”
Jack: “No, sir, I can’t…”
Angelino: “TRIPLE overtime!”
Jack: “Sold!”
Angelino: “But remember, Brûlée is world-renowned; those are some big shoes to fill.”
(Chrissy starts listening at the kitchen door)
Jack: “Well, no matter how much work it takes, I will fill the shoes!”
Chrissy (running to Janet): “Oh no! Jack just said he’s gonna KILL the JEWS!”
That episode ends with Janet and Chrissy enlisting Simon Wiesenthal, who discovers that Jack is innocent but it all works out okay because salad chef Felipe is revealed to be Josef Mengele.
America can’t produce that kind of comedy anymore. Last week in El Paso, Latino immigrant-American Phoebe Copas got into an Uber driven by Latino immigrant-American Daniel Piedra Garcia, and when she saw road signs for Juarez, she thought she was being kidnapped and taken to Mexico. In fact, Garcia was heading to Copas’ destination; the Juarez signs merely pointed to off-ramps.
Hilarity did not ensue; killarity did. Based on a misunderstanding that could’ve been solved by simply asking, Copas blew Garcia’s head off with her handgun.
Immigration has imported a terrible class of sitcom bimbos.
And no laugh track can make it funny.
SOUL TRAIN SURFERS
The 1985 Michael J. Fox film Teen Wolf tried to popularize “urban surfing”—white teens balancing on top of vans while riding at high speeds through city streets.
Maybe kids were just smarter back then, but it never caught on in real life. Perhaps there was something about Fox that screamed “don’t follow in my footsteps,” and given his current state of affairs, that proved to be solid advice.
But now “urban contemporary surfing” has become all the rage in enriched America. Kids of color are making TikTok videos while riding on top of subway cars throughout NYC.
And the results would make even Wile E. Coyote wince.
In an ironic turn of events, black kids—whose ancestors supposedly invented peanut butter—are being turned into peanut butter while riding subway cars. Like 14-year-old Brian Crespo, who was surfin’ a Manhattan-bound L train in Brooklyn when a tunnel approached. This would-be traffic light inventor didn’t understand that amber means caution, and in a splat second the young black hero went from Arthur Ashe to Arthur Smashe.
New York transit authorities were going to scrape off Crespo’s remains, but they couldn’t tell the difference between his detritus and the graffiti that already lined the tunnel entrance.
And now Crespo’s mother, and relatives of NYC’s other Benjamin BAMekers, are demanding that Mayor Adams deploy an army of cops to prevent the city’s Splat Turners from riding on top of subways.
Ain’t that something? The same people who insisted that cops be taken out of the subway, that fare-jumpers not be prosecuted, that deranged homeless Michael Jackson impressionists not be stopped from terrorizing passengers, now want cops put back because W.E.B. DumbBois can’t comprehend the risk of standing on a speeding train.
Black Lives Spatter.
DINGLE DANGLE DONGLE
CONTINUE READING: https://www.takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-248/
