August 27, 2023
The Week’s Most Lurkin’, Twerkin’, and Jerkin’ Headlines
MAKE THAT 86,999
As Sen. Joe Manchin—a.k.a. “the kid from Deliverance with a super PAC”—mulls his political future, which may include a third-party run under the newly formed Kallikak Caucus (which includes John Fetterman and Kari Lake. Party motto: “Make America Flurgurbleglurk”), never forget that he was the deciding vote that gave us 87,000 new IRS agents so your grandma can be jailed for not declaring her bingo winnings.
When it was announced that these new agents would be armed, leftists reassured the nation that the new taxmen would be competent in the use of their weapons.
And…last week two IRS hires were training at a firing range in Phoenix (“Halt! Your business trip dinner was not deductible!”) when one of the “competent” agents accidentally shot the other one dead.
It’s a great reassurance that the people who can put you in prison for losing an Arby’s receipt can’t even practice shooting without killing each other.
Also (and this is not a joke), the IRS geniuses who expect you to remember every last detail of your income and expenditures couldn’t recall the name of the shooting range in question, forcing the 911 dispatcher to play a guessing game regarding where to send the ambulance.
Thanks, Manchin! Good luck on that third-party run. Too bad Ned Beatty’s dead, because his “nobody makes me squeal like Joe” endorsement woulda been killer.
Further details on the shooting have yet to be released because IRS supervisors found that the paramedics improperly itemized the bullet wounds; they’re now doing 10 to 20 in the federal pen.
AMERICA’S “WHACKIEST” DOCTOR
Hindu or hand-do?
Dr. Sudipta Mohanty is a primary care physician in Massachusetts. In his native land, “Sudipta” means “lamp.” Sadly, this perverted doc wasn’t limp on a recent flight from Honolulu to Boston. Seated beside a 14-year-old girl who was traveling with her grandparents, the Punjabi ponce pulled out his pud after noticing that the girl’s family members were asleep. Handsier than Vishnu and with a trunk like Ganesha, Mohanty (of the medical firm Manny, Mohanty, and Jackoff) began furiously pleasuring himself under a blanket as he stared at the petrified child.
As Wrecks Organ MD climaxed, he tossed off the blanket so his ejaculate could splatter the surrounding seats. Dr. Spilldare then casually strolled to the bathroom to clean off, content that he’d enriched America enough for one day.
The girl took the opportunity to move to a vacant seat in another aisle, and after the plane landed, she told her grandparents about the busy hands of Dr. Nehru Jerkit, who was promptly arrested.
Sploogie Howser faces a maximum penalty of 90 days in jail and a $5,000 fine. So, a real slap off the wrist.
Fortunately for his patients, thanks to H-1B visas, Obamacare offers a number of subsidies for insane Third World medicos. Level 1 Obamacare allows you to access masturbating Brahmins. Level 2 unlocks the bride-burning bonus (get a boil lanced and have your ungrateful wife immolated at the same time). Level 3? Only doctors who defecate on the floor (this level is not recommended for patients who require a sterile environment). And the vaunted Level 4? A Yoruban tribesman’s pagan god composed of bundled sticks and dried cow dung pronounces you cured even as it gives you Ebola.
Mo’handest Gandhi is due back in court next month. He’s been placed on leave from his job at Beth Israel Medical Center; a spokesman for the hospital told the AP, “Oy, the schmuck couldn’t keep his yad off his vashem.”
ALOHA AYYYYYY!
Say what you will about Californians—left-wing, ditzy, in love with high taxes and low school test scores—but you gotta give ’em this:
They know how to burn to a crisp with dignity.
The 2018 Camp Fire, the deadliest wildfire in California history, took 85 lives and destroyed 18,804 structures. An unparalleled tragedy. But you know how Californians didn’t respond?
“Don’t go to Disneyland! Don’t visit Universal Studios! Don’t use our beaches or hike our mountains!”
Dim as Californians are, they didn’t self-destructively use the devastating fire to alienate tourists.
Hawaiians make Californians look smart by comparison.
CONTINUE READING: https://www.takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-256/
