I messed up. All is contained in the right nostril. Left nostril is partyville. Nilhilistic funville. Found the stories in my e-mail. I don't know at the moment if I have your e-mail addy saved, so I'm taking the path of least resistance. The transfer is kinda sucky, but readable.

The Night Of The Band Saw

I don't remember any pain. I was so badly drugged, I barely remember
hitting the switch. I knew one thing, though. I wasn't ready for
this.

I awoke. I was still on the table. Or at least the top half of me
was.
I
didn't know about the rest of me...for a few seconds, anyway.

Someone had their hand on my head. He came around to face me. The

hand
was
gloved. He wore a white silk shirt with cravat, black velvet vest, a
high
collared jacket of black velvet, black velvet breeches, Victorian
riding
boots, and a cape. He had a pretty nice looking face with striking
turquoise eyes, a long, tasteful, heavily layered, deep red mullet,
and
a
nose that must have made up at least half of his body weight.

"Haloo! How ya doin'?" The accent was Celtic. I don't know if it was
Irish, Scottish, or what. I mean, how's an American to know? Not
that
he
gave me time to answer, if I even had an answer. I was still too
dazed
to
be fully aware of the fact that I had just cut myself in half via a
band
saw, and I was being talked to, as I was in two pieces. It turned
out,
the
bottom half of my body was on the table.

“Uhhhhhh...”

"I'm Stefan," said the redhead, too cheerfully to comprehend under
these
circumstances. As he said, "So, you actually cut yourself in two."
he
picked up an entrail, and lifted it up. "I gotta tell ya! You had
more
guts
than I ever had."

"Uh...uh..."

Stefan's face then registered disgust, as he dropped the entrail
part
on
the table. "Ye gods, this is soooooooo garoooooooooss! I swear, I do
declare. Couldn't you have picked another way?"

I was coming to. I think I was about to cry. "Oh no! Don't tell me
I'm
still alive?!" I whispered.

"OK. I won't." I wasn't gonna get any sympathy outta this guy, from
the
looks of it. "Nice lookin' legs, mon. Too bad I already had lunch,"
he
added.

I'd worn shorts and a T-shirt for the occasion, and yes; I cringed
at
what
he said. He smiled at me, and man; the dude had fangs. I about had a
heart
attack.

"Am I dead, or am I dreaming?" I asked in horror, my voice still a
weak
whisper.

He came back up to me. "Quinn, Quinn, my dearest Quinn." I wasn't
going
to
ask how he knew my name. I'd never seen him before. He stroked his
finger
down my nose, with the hand that had not held up the intestine.
"With
this
sorry excuse of the nose you got, I'd rather I hope I was dead if I
were
you; but you might have different priorities."

OK. I was having the worst nightmare of my life. I was on a table in
two
pieces, still alive, some total asshole found me, and I was now
being
subject to the worst psychological torture in the history of
psychology
not
only from circumstances, but also from this idiot of a nose who
fancied
himself Count Dracula, or something. "I can't still be alive!" Would
I
ever
be able to talk above a whisper again?

"Want me to fix that? I have a big cat in the other room. Percy
might
be
hungry. Cats usually like their prey dead before they eat. But he
might
be
in the mood for the bottom half. Shall I bring 'im in to see?"

"Please don't." I didn't need to be finished off by a big cat. "Can
you
please bash my head in, or cut my head off, or something? Please
finish
me
off. I can't live like this!"

"Have you ever tried? Want me to call 911, and see if they can sew
you
back together again at the hospital? But they might keep you for
observation for having attempted suicide. They did that to me once."

Like I really cared about that right now. "Why no pain?"

"You're in shock, dude. I know all about that, too. I lost the tip
of
my
'tude finger when I was a youngster, and I felt no pain. You asked
me
to
cut your head off. Ya know, it's pretty rare to survive band saw
incidents
like what you did to yourself. If I did cut your head off, wouldn't
it
be
neat if...I mean, did ya ever see that killer B-flick, 'The Brain
That
Wouldn't Die' with that chick who's fiancé kept 'er head alive
until
he
could provide it with another body?"

I got my voice back. "THIS CAN'T BE
HAPPENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!"

"But it is happening. Otherwise we're both hallucinating up the Yin
Yang,
and I don't think so."

Suddenly another figure appeared in front of me. Tall, alabaster
white,
neon-red eyes, absolutely stunning for a dude, and he was also
fanged
I
found, as he snarled, "Stefan, enough of this. I should have known
better
than to let you take this case from the way you begged, ye bleedin'
neep
noddle." He pointed at me, and waved his hand over me. I suddenly
appeared
to exist in my entirety. "Quinn, you are dead. Stefan was creating
the
illusion for you that you weren't. He's got a sadistic sense of
humour,
and
I'm sorry for what he just did to you." Another Celtic accent!

I sat up, and saw reality as it was. Both of my body parts really
were
on
the floor, there was blood and guts all over the place, and it was
as
gruesome as hell. "Oh man! Stefan, you are a complete piece of
shit."

Stefan smiled, flicked both of his wrists in front of himself
simultaneously; lifted one foot off the floor behind him self, and
said
"Thank yew," in the gayest accent I ever heard.

I just had to laugh. "Dude! I heard you right when you threatened me
with
being like the head from 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die'?"

"Yeah. You saw the flick. I found that out when I scanned your mind.
You
know, what you did; as well as the motivation behind what you did
was
pretty uncool. Just getting back at your wife because she got sick
of
you
and took another lover? Looking back on it, don't you think you kind
of
deserved what I gave you, not to mention you are going to have to do
another round in the Physical Realm for how you exited this last
life."

I just shrugged. "Figures. I always did believe in reincarnation,
and
I
read about that happening, but I didn't care. Desire for revenge
generally
over-rides common sense, no? I'm still glad I did it, and I still
can't
wait to see what happens when Lizardbreath finds the body. Now can I
ask
you two a question?"

Thanatos asked, "The fangs? Oh, they're just cosmetic. Bloodsuckers,
we
aren't. Liz is going to scream and pass out."

"Can I watch, anyway? And maybe stay until she comes to?" I asked.

"Man, this guy sounds like me," said Stefan.

Thanatos looked down, and shook his head. "Ye gods."

"Well, can we?" I asked.

Thanatos looked at me. "I suppose so."

Stefan then pointed at me. "Your next round in life. You know what
might
make it easier, and help you accomplish all you've set out to
accomplish?"

"What?"

"Arrange to be born with a bigger nose."

Thanatos pointed at Stefan. "STEFAN, GET OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE FIRED
FROM
THIS CASE. AND IF YOU DO THIS ONE MORE TIME, YOU ARE OUT OF A
JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***************************************************************************

***************************************************************************
*************
Loki, Eat My Dust

Oh, what a sight the five of us must have been. Donn was using
Thanatos
as
a pillow, I had my head on Donn's midsection, Reggie the
archaeopteryx
was
on my chest, and the feline Percy's head was on my midsection. We
were
in a
meadow in the shade of an elm tree. I had my eyes closed, and was
scratching Percy's neck. Suddenly, I felt something gently stroke my
nose.

I opened my eyes. Reggie had just nosed my nose. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmm!' he
transmitted to me. He turned his head sideways, and opened his
sharp-toothed mouth just a little bit.

"Reggie, if you bite my nose; I'll never let you sit on me again."

'It is tempting, some times. Considering the way you enhanced it,
and
the
way you talk about it being a virtual god, and all? How focused you
are
on
that damn thing?'

"Don't go there, Reggie," said Donn.

I gently brushed my finger down Reggie's nose. A bird with a nose!
How
nice. "It's only a game, Reg," I said.

Reggie pressed his nose against mine. 'Well, maybe my nose doesn't
like
the competition. Ever think of that?'

"Dude! You got a pair of nostrils. The tip of your beak less face is
called a nose, but it's not like there's anything really there!"

Yes, that one did get my nose bit, although rather gently. 'Nothing
there,
my tail feathers! Nothing there but some verrrrry sharp teeth.'

"Ouch!"

Reggie let go. 'I didn't hurt you, you twit. It's not like I bit
down
real
hard and pulled, or tried to shake.'

Donn laughed. "Will you two knock it off? I thought you were the
best
of
friends!"

Reggie pressed the side of his face against my face. 'We are. I can
do
guerrilla theatre too, can't I?'

"Yeah, but isn't messin' with Stefan's nose kind of pushing the
envelope?"
asked Thanatos.

'I could take that nose out with one lick,' sent Percy.

"I hope you don't," I said to Percy.

'Hell, no. I like my slaves in tact.'

"You're doing wonderful things for our egos, Percy," I said.

'OUR egos,' sent Reggie. 'As if your nose has it's own.' He tilted
his
head as if to get ready for another nose bite.

I gently moved Reggie further down me, and sat up. I pressed my nose
against his. "Well, maybe it does!"

'And I'm a tyrannosaurus!'

"You could be. After all, you are one of the few critters who
actually
will use your abilities as a shape shifter to shift shape," I said.

Reggie looked up. 'And perish this thought, but you could actually
shape
shift your nose big enough so you could contain the Universe or all
of
reality in your right nostril.'

"REGGIE, SHUT UP!" yelled Thanatos.

"Hmmmmmm! That reminds me. I think it might be fun to take a case,
and
give it a nose theme," I said.

'Oh, dear,' sent Reggie.

"Reg, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for giving him this
idea,"
said Thanatos.

'You think I'll forgive myself?' asked Reggie.

Percy, Thanatos and Donn sat up. Donn said, "I hope you don't."

I stood up. "Yes! I shall create a temple to The Holey Order Of The
Septum, and I shall find a case deserving of initiation!"

Donn doubled over, Thanatos brought his hand to his forehead, and
shook
his head. "Ye gods!"

I smiled, and changed gender. I would do the next case as a woman.
Heh-heh-heh.

*****

Alfred Ramirez fell on the sidewalk as he ended his run across the
street.
The ten-year old lad almost got himself hit by a pick-up, and he was
well
aware of his close call with mortality! Maybe he'd start listening
to
his
mom, and being a little more careful. He picked himself up, and
found
he
only had a slightly scratched knee.

Damn, it was hot. He wanted a pop, but when he checked his pockets;
he
only had fifteen cents. He'd have to go home.

Alfred could take the short cut down the street through an alleyway
that
only had room for one car, with a huge old ramshackle abandoned
house
on
it; or he could backtrack. His mother did tell him the alley way
wasn't
safe because who knows who could be lurking there, but Alfred was
pretty
thirsty; and it was so much shorter to go that way. Of course, being
the
pragmatic kid he was, Alfred took the short cut.

He ran to the alleyway. There were nine houses on one side of the
street
which had their back yards walled off, and three on the other that
had
their front yards facing the little side street. The abandoned
building
had
a large yard. Alfred hadn't been this way in a few months.

Before Alfred turned down the alley, he looked around and made sure
no
one
who knew him was around. He then ran down the narrow street.

When he saw the old house, he stopped. The lawn was mowed, it had a
fresh
paint job, all the boards were off the windows, most of the upstairs
windows were stained glass, the roof looked new, and it was
obviously
lived
in. It looked very nice. The yard had the sprinklers on, and I; in a
long
black hooded robe was sitting on the front porch at a table with a
pitcher
of iced lemonade on the table, house cat Percy in my lap, and a
golden
eagle was perched on the rail of the porch.

Alfred's curiosity got the best of him. He walked through the
sprinklers.
"Hey lady! Did you just buy this house?"

Call me lady again, and I've got a crock-pot on the counter just for
you,
buster! "Last month. Aye! I'm Stephanie, by the way." Oh, I'm gonna
have
me
some fun with this one.

"I'm Alfred." He looked at the bird. "Is that an eagle?"

I got up, and put Percy on the table with my lemonade on it. Alfred
hadn't
seen the cat, because it blended in with my robe. "Aye. His name is
Reggie." I went over to the bird, and petted him on the back. "He's
a
golden eagle, but he's tame. He's never hurt anybody."

"Wow! Can I pet him?"

"Sure can. Want me to get another glass so you can have some
lemonade?"

"Please?" Just what he needed!

"The cat is Percy. He's pretty nice, too. Be right back."

"OK." Alfred went slowly up to Reggie, and petted him on the neck
and
back. Reggie just stayed perched on the rail, and closed his eyes.

Percy meowed, and Alfred looked at him. "You want me to pet you,
too?"

Percy meowed again. Alfred went back to the table, sat in the chair
that
I
wasn't using, and put his hand in front of Percy's nose. Percy came
closer
to Alfred, and started purring very loudly. Alfred's attention went
to
the
cat.

When Alfred looked around the porch, he noticed the doorknocker was
a
ring
hanging from the nostrils of an iron nose. There was also an iron
effigy
of
a nose over the door. He remembered me having a very large nose.
Alfred
chuckled.

I came out with a large glass filled with ice extra cubes. I poured
Alfred
some lemonade, and refilled my own glass. "It's half juice and half
water,
so it'll be pretty strong. I use regular sugar to sweeten it."

Alfred had some, and there was a lot of pulp in the glass. "This is
better
than what mom makes. I like your cat."

"Percy is my familiar. I'm a witch."

"Do you worship the Devil?" asked Alfred just before he finished his
glass

I laughed. "Lord, no! Most witches worship nature gods. Devil
worshippers
usually call themselves Satanists. I'm the High Nostril of The Holey
Order
Of The Septum. I worship noses." I refilled his glass.

"What's a septum?"

I pointed to mine. "This thing that separates the nostrils." How
DARE
anyone not know what a septum was?!

Alfred knew it was a little impolite, but he just had to laugh. "I
never
heard of that." He had a few more sips of his freshly filled glass.
The
pitcher was now empty.

"It's a pretty new religion. The only thing to it is that if you're
a
good
nose when you die, you get a nose hair coat and you don't have to be
born
again; and if you're a bad nose, you get reincarnated with bald
nostrils."
Having to say that with a straight face was a trial.

Alfred put his glass down, he was laughing so hard. "Nose hair
coat?"

I shrugged. "I don't know why, but nobody seems to take that
seriously.
I
mean, how many nose hair coats are there in the world. Can you
imagine
how
much they'd be worth?"

Alfred shook his head, still laughing. "I wouldn't want one. That is
gross!"

I crossed my arms. "The nose hairs are cleaned off, OK? No snot!
They're
put on a spinning wheel, weaved on a loom, and depending on the
different
colour nose hairs; you can make very pretty patterns."

Alfred was beginning to control himself. "Do you have one? A nose
hair
coat?"

"No. I was a bad nose in my last life, so I'm still alive here and I
have
bald nostrils."

"My father cuts his nose hairs. He doesn't like them."

I brought the back of my hand to my forehead with as much dramatic
flair
as I could muster. "And he doesn't give the trimmings to me? Not to
mention
that nose hairs should not be trimmed. After all, they are sacred."
I
narrowed my eyes, and looked at Alfred. "Your father is a very evil
man!"
My voice was as histrionic as possible. I coulda been in a nineteen
twenty's talkie.

Alfred was taken aback. "For trimming his nose hairs?"

"Well, if he doesn't belong to The Holey Order Of The Septum, maybe
not;
but those initiated into The Order cannot trim their nose hairs, or
they
get excommunicated. Now I'm hungry. I want a sandwich. You?"

"What kind?"

"What kind do you want?"

"Roast beef?"

"Sure," I said. "Be out in a couple of minutes." I got up, and went
inside.

Alfred finished his second glass of lemonade, and started petting
Percy
again. "Stephanie is nice, but crazy," he said to the cat. "I never
heard
anything so funny. Nose hair coat. Sheesh! I love her voice, too.
The
accent?"

Percy stretched his head to Alfred, inviting him to be 'scent
marked'.
Alfred had a cat, and knew what Percy was doing, so he pressed his
forehead
into Percy's. Percy then rubbed the side of his cheek on Alfred's
cheek.

"You're a nice cat. You're pretty big, too. A lot bigger than
Pumpkin."

Just then, Reggie flew to the Stephanie's chair, and jumped on the
table.
He managed to not knock anything over, and he walked next to Percy.

Alfred was stunned, as Reggie lay next to the cat. Both animals
pressed
themselves against each other. Alfred stood up, and moved the
glasses
and
pitcher as far away from the animals as he could. "You two are
friends,
huh?"

Reggie made a sound that almost sounded like a trill, and Percy
nosed
Reggie's neck.

When I came out, I was carrying a tray. On it were napkins, two
plates
with sandwiches, garlic dill pickles, another pitcher of lemonade,
and
salt
and pepper potato crisps. There was also a platter with some tuna
fish,
and
a platter with a little bit of raw meat. "Apparently, we are going
to
have
to hold our plates in our laps," I said as I put the tuna fish and
raw
meat
on the table. Reggie and Percy looked at me, and then slowly ate the
food I
brought out for them. Reggie sent to me, 'I don't think this was
necessary.
You didn't have to feed us, and I think eating is kind of repulsive
in
my
old age.'

‘And I’m struggling not to hiss and roar at you for feeding me
this,’ sent Percy.

'Just try to roar in that form, babe. Anyway, please finish this
just
once. It’s not very much food,' I sent back. 'Do it for me.'

'I have a feeling this won’t be the last time, and you owe us one
big
time, baby!" sent Reggie.

"I don't mind," said Alfred, completely unaware of the exchange I
had
with
Reggie. “I have my plate in my lap all the time at school when I
eat
outside.”

I gave him a napkin, and his sandwich; which was a Dutch crunch roll
with
roast beef, lettuce, onions, pickles, tomato slices, butter grilled
mushrooms, mayo and mustard. Mine was the same, only with a tofu
burger
instead of roast beef. "Here ya go," I said.

Alfred bit into it. "This is better than anything I ever had at home
or
that my parents bought from a deli."

"I hope so," I said. "I have high standards."

"I like your door knocker. I think it's funny."

"Apparently you don't take noses very seriously."

Alfred struggled not to laugh. "I never thought about it." He had a
potato
crisp. He'd never had a crisp of this flavour before; and he liked
it
quite
a bit. "This is good. I better not tell mom I ate here, or I'm gonna
be
in
trouble."

"You can invite your parents over. I usually don't eat people."

"Not usually, huh?" He hoped I was kidding about my implication. He
liked
me quite a bit. He thought I was pretty, too. He liked my pale skin,
turquoise eyes, and longish red hair. He thought I was one of the
funniest
people he'd ever met. He also liked ‘my’ animals. Anyone who had
an
eagle for a pet must be OK.

"No. It fact, it's never happened."

"That's good to hear."

"Not yet anyway," I just had to say.

"I hope you're kidding."

"Probably. You're a pretty bright kid. How old are you?"

"Ten."

"Catholic school?"

"Yeah. And mom helps me with my homework. Explains things to me when
I
can't understand them."

"Any brothers and sisters?"

"No. I want one, but mom says we can't afford anybody else. She says
she'd
have to work full time, and she'd rather spend the time she has
watching
me
grow up than being stuck in an office all day."

"Smart woman," I said. "I assume she doesn't trim her nose hairs."

"I don't think she has any,"

"Then she was a bad nose in her last life. Maybe next time."

"I don't think she wants any nose hairs. She shaves all her hair off
but
her eyebrows and hair on her head. She plucks her eyebrows, too."

"Most women do. I never did, though." I finished my lemonade, and
poured
some more. "You want another glass too?"

"Let me finish this first," he said motioning toward his glass with
his
head.

"OK. Then I'll pour you some more."

"How big is this house?"

"I don't know. I never counted the rooms. With how I had the
basement
and
attic fixed up, I guess I have about twenty rooms, give or take."

"Must be hard to clean."

"With my kind of money, I hire somebody. I don't do housework. I
have
two
housekeepers and a landscaper on weekdays."

"You're rich?"

"Relatively!"

"Can I see some of the house?"

"Sure. After lunch, you can bring your own plate in."

"OK."

*****

There were noses all over the place. Metal noses, ceramic noses,
nose
refrigerator magnets, and there were even rugs with noses weaved
into
the
patterns. You couldn't go anywhere without a nose knickknack not in
sight.
When I took him downstairs to my 'ritual room', there was an altar
with
a
good-sized silver nose in the middle. Instead of a pentagram, I had
a
circle with a nose in it on the floor. I even had nose candles, and
two
one-foot braids of hair on a clip. "What are those?" asked Alfred
about
the
braids.

"I can't grow nose hairs, so I wear a wig. I clip those onto my
septum
when I make an offering or prayer to the nose god."

"Nose god? Does it have a name?"

"Yes, but being that you aren't ordained into The Order, I don't
know
if
I
should tell you."

"What if I promise not to tell anyone?"

"Swear by your nose hairs!"

He laughed. "What?"

"Swear by your nose hairs that you won't tell, and I'll tell you.
That's
a
mighty serious oath, you understand." I was really struggling to
keep
a
straight face. This was just too much. Trying to be somber and
serious
under these circumstances was almost more than I could handle.

"OK. I swear by my nose hairs that I won't tell anyone."

"OK. The nose god's name is Snorfles."

Alfred almost hit the floor. I literally had to fade out, laugh my
head
off, and time trip back to the moment I left so he wouldn't know I
was
gone. I just couldn't deal with carrying off this act without
cheating.
"Oh
my God! You're serious?!" said Alfred after he could talk again.

"Dead serious," I said. Yeah, riiiiiight! "But hey! It's easy. No
money
involved. No churches, and no tithing. Just recognise the
sovereignty
of
your nose, and pet it once in a while. Talking to it is cool, too."

"What's sovereignty mean?"

I petted my own nose. "That it's an individual in its own right."

"Stephanie. I like you and all that, but you're weird."

I had to smile. "Trust me! I've been called worse."

*****

"Incredible," said Donn.

"Leave it to Stefan," said Thanatos

"Stephanie."

"What's the difference?!"

“Uh...not much of an Adam’s apple at the moment.”

*****

"Stephanie, do you have any kids?"

"No. My nose takes too much attention. I consider the idea of having
a
child kind of like a third nostril. They take too much time, money,
and
they cause too much stress."

"I'd like having somebody to play with. If I had a brother, we could
play
basketball and stuff."

"It's different when you have to take care of someone. Lost sleep,
not
to
mention having a baby can rip you apart. It's painful, and I never
liked
the idea of looking like a watermelon factory. I also value my time
a
lot.
When I was six, my breeder cow bitch of an incubator made me take
care
of
my half brother and sister; who were two and three. Defiant little
bastards
they were, and I used to beat 'em up all the time. Then again, so
did
my
child abusing incubator."

"Incubator?"

"I sure ain't callin' that thing a mother," I said. I didn’t
really
feel
the passionate hate I was pretending to exude anymore, but I was
having
just too much fun with this game to tone it down.

"Oh."

"You're OK, though. You strike me as being smarter than most kids,
and
I
don't have to live with you."

*****

"That one would have made a great counsellor, huh?" asked Thanatos.

"I was screwed up enough as a kid as I was, thank you," said Donn.

"Was?"

"Well, I'm good enough for you, huh?"

Thanatos chuckled, and ruffled Donn's hair. "Wouldn't want you any
other
way. Same with Stef, for that matter! Though I gotta admit, if that
kid
was
still alive; I'd put a stop to this yesterday."

*****

"If you're a witch, can you do magic?" asked Alfred.

"What do you want me to do?"

Can you become an animal?"

"Stay there," I said. I backed off, and transformed myself into a
cheetah.

"Wow! Can I pet you?"

'A couple of times,' I sent him.

"You can talk?!"

'No. I'm communicating with you mind to mind. It seems like I'm
talking,
though.'

He walked over to me, and patted me on the head. "You're real. What
about
that nose thing?"

I sent, 'We can talk about that in a minute! Let me become a person
again.'

Alfred stepped back. "OK."

I transformed back, though this time, no robe. I was in what I'd
worn
under it. My Victorian breeches, white silk shirt with cravat, and
coat
with tails, No gloves or cloak, though. "Thanks."

"What happened to your dress?"

"It wasn't a dress. It was a hooded robe. Witches wear them for
ritual."

"You did a ritual?" asked Alfred.

"Yes. I asked my god Snorfles if I should grow my nose so big that
I'd
keep the Universe in the right nostril. It said it wasn't a good
idea."
How
I managed to say that without falling over is beyond me.

"You can do that?"

"Sure. Wanna watch?"

"Uh...maybe not. Wouldn't it get dark?"

"No. I'd have the sun and all the stars and galaxies in my nostril,
too.
But then space ships that go to the edge of the Universe might crash
into
my nostril, and we can't have that; can we?"

"Why wasn't that ever on Star Trek?"

"Because I haven't done it yet, and I probably never will. It's a
good
idea for me to listen to my god." I was gonna have to cut out again
if
I
was going to keep this up. I barely had a lid on myself.

"What else can you do?"

"I can make things out of thin air. I can read minds. If I really
want
to
know something, I can find out in no time. I can do almost
anything."

"What colour am I thinking of."

"Red. That's too easy. Think of a whole sentence."

"OK."

"To be, or not to be."

"That's right. You really can read my mind."

"I also knew you were ten and didn't have any brothers or sisters,
Alfred
Ramirez. I just asked so I wouldn't freak you out. I didn't want you
to
be
afraid of me, and when I joke about cannibalism, a joke is all it
is.
And
you know something else?"

"What?"

"In a little while, I'll teach you how to be just like me. After I
ordain
you into The Holey Order Of The Septum, unless you don't want that."

"I can be a cheetah after my ordaining?"

"Hm hm." I started laughing. This had to come to a conclusion. I was
going
to ordain him by having him kneel before me and putting a plastic
butter
knife on his shoulder while telling him he was now High Nose Hair Of
The
Holey Order Of The Septum, but no way. I'd hit my limit. "Percy!
Reggie!
Get in here."

Alfred looked at the door. In less than a minute, a big, black cat
with
sabre fangs came prowling through the door with an archaeopteryx on
his
back. 'You rang?' asked Reggie.

"Yes," I said. "It's about time to tell Alfred all he is, and all he
can
be. I can't keep this up anymore without totally losing it."

'That he's as dead as a doornail, and that you just took him on to
mess
with his head about noses?' asked Percy.

"Huh?" asked Alfred.

"Poo! You cut the game short, cat dude. Anyway, this is the real
Percy
and
Reggie. Reggie is an archaeopteryx. There aren't anymore of those
around
on
Earth. They became extinct millions of years ago. Percy used to be
my
cat
when I lived on Earth, but he was talked into shape shifting into
the
gorgeous thing you see there. Sometimes he becomes a person, but he
doesn't
like that. Alf, that truck you think missed you; didn't. We can go
outside,
time trip back, and look at what's left of your former home that you
used
to call your body; though I don't recommend it."

"So I'm really dead?"

"Dude! If I was alive like you were, I couldn't do what you saw me
do.
We
are Etheric. Everyone can do what you saw me do. You're also not
really
a
kid anymore. There are no children here, and as soon as I do a mind
share
with you to teach you the way of this realm real fast; you are going
to
take the adult form you are meant to have."

"So you were only kidding about all the nose stuff?!"

"I would certainly hope so, but I do joke about noses and my nose a
lot.
It's a left over habit from when I lived on Earth."

Alfred smiled. "If this is what it's like being dead, I think I like
it."

I ruffled his hair. "Wait until you see the castle we're going to."

"Castle?"

"It's called Tech Duinn. One of my best friends built it. It's a way
station, and you can stay there until you decide what you want to do
with
yourself."

"Cool."

"So, let's get you educated. Take my hand, and close your eyes."

The adventure would only get more interesting for Alfred.

*****

"I don't think Stef will ever be doing that again," said Donn.

"Thank Snorfles!" said Thanatos.

***************************************************************************

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************

Link to whole series if interested.

http://vergilxanon1.blogspot.com/

It needs a lot more work on editing, but I QUIT! It's still a fun read in my opinion.

Main series, poetry collection, short stories that are the best, and a pornographic ending called 'Closure' that reviews the series, and ends everyone's retirement from their hedonistic stay on the lower planes which I wrote especially for my former failed publisher, Edens Exile, but that company was killed along with my former failed publishers boyfriend's suicide.