And to think I got it right, but then went back and "corrected" it! "Nilhilistic funville" is a good way of describing the Left Nostril Path - I guess some would find it "judgemental," though. :-)

What a fascinating account of the birth of The Holy Order of the Septum and Snorfles! If you wait long enough you often get to the bottom of some things. I'd been reading RMN for quite a while before I ever joined CGI ... I guess I missed out on your first posting one way or another. I had a feeling that there must be a story behind it, but this is the first time that it's been literally a real story! And a good one too! Both Loki, Eat My Dust and The Night of the Bandsaw are similar in the trickery about death and what it's all about. Loki eat my dust is a lot more positive than the Bandsaw!

Unrelated confession wrt shopping at Amazon

At the time of your post about this, I didn't have as good a story as I do now. I've only shopped at Walmart once that I can remember - when one of my classes gave me a gift card to spend there. I forget what I bought.

Amazon is a different story, because shipping to Canada from the States has become so expensive. I'm still relatively housebound, and when I can't easily find what I need locally, I sometimes shop at Amazon. Soon after I moved here my cheap water purifier died. I knew I wanted the Purewater mini, but to ship it from the States would've cost me a fortune so ... yes, I bought it from Amazon. It's quite big and heavy, and I wanted to buy a couple of extra bottles and filters. When they offered me free Amazon Prime for one month, I decided to "try it out."

It was problematic because even though I'm at home almost all the time, they don't notify much in advance if they decide to deliver the day before they tell you. Once I was having a nap, so I had no idea they were about to deliver one package, but no one even knocked to let me know that it was sitting at my door next to the sidewalk in front. Another time I was doing an errand the day before it was supposed to arrive. The last time the man called me on his cellphone when he was at the door. I live in a fairly safe neighbourhood, but the people on the floors above me are another strange story. Anyways, I wouldn't want to continue with it because I avoid it when I can. I noticed that they include all kinds of music and movies(?) in Amazon Prime, which I find a little potentially creepy.

Yesterday I searched my emails for Amazon to find out exactly what date I purchased my purifier to complete the warranty card. Then I ended my Prime trial, and continued clicking about for a short while before getting to baking bread. I went back and forth to kitchen and the computer for the rest of the day, but decided to check my emails before I went to bed. I realized that it still had Amazon up, so when I clicked that out I finally saw your email! :-)

: I messed up. All is contained in the right nostril. Left
: nostril is partyville. Nilhilistic funville. Found the
: stories in my e-mail. I don't know at the moment if I have

: your e-mail addy saved, so I'm taking the path of least
: resistance. The transfer is kinda sucky, but readable.

: The Night Of The Band Saw

: I don't remember any pain. I was so badly drugged, I barely
: remember
: hitting the switch. I knew one thing, though. I wasn't ready
: for
: this.

: I awoke. I was still on the table. Or at least the top half of
: me
: was.
: I
: didn't know about the rest of me...for a few seconds, anyway.

: Someone had their hand on my head. He came around to face me.
: The
: hand
: was
: gloved. He wore a white silk shirt with cravat, black velvet
: vest, a
: high
: collared jacket of black velvet, black velvet breeches,
: Victorian
: riding
: boots, and a cape. He had a pretty nice looking face with
: striking
: turquoise eyes, a long, tasteful, heavily layered, deep red
: mullet,
: and
: a
: nose that must have made up at least half of his body weight.

: "Haloo! How ya doin'?" The accent was Celtic. I
: don't know if it was
: Irish, Scottish, or what. I mean, how's an American to know?
: Not
: that
: he
: gave me time to answer, if I even had an answer. I was still
: too
: dazed
: to
: be fully aware of the fact that I had just cut myself in half
: via a
: band
: saw, and I was being talked to, as I was in two pieces. It
: turned
: out,
: the
: bottom half of my body was on the table.

: “Uhhhhhh...”

: "I'm Stefan," said the redhead, too cheerfully to
: comprehend under
: these
: circumstances. As he said, "So, you actually cut yourself
: in two."
: he
: picked up an entrail, and lifted it up. "I gotta tell ya!
: You had
: more
: guts
: than I ever had."

: "Uh...uh..."

: Stefan's face then registered disgust, as he dropped the
: entrail
: part
: on
: the table. "Ye gods, this is soooooooo garoooooooooss! I
: swear, I do
: declare. Couldn't you have picked another way?"

: I was coming to. I think I was about to cry. "Oh no!
: Don't tell me
: I'm
: still alive?!" I whispered.

: "OK. I won't." I wasn't gonna get any sympathy outta
: this guy, from
: the
: looks of it. "Nice lookin' legs, mon. Too bad I already
: had lunch,"
: he
: added.

: I'd worn shorts and a T-shirt for the occasion, and yes; I
: cringed
: at
: what
: he said. He smiled at me, and man; the dude had fangs. I about
: had a
: heart
: attack.

: "Am I dead, or am I dreaming?" I asked in horror, my
: voice still a
: weak
: whisper.

: He came back up to me. "Quinn, Quinn, my dearest
: Quinn." I wasn't
: going
: to
: ask how he knew my name. I'd never seen him before. He stroked
: his
: finger
: down my nose, with the hand that had not held up the
: intestine.
: "With
: this
: sorry excuse of the nose you got, I'd rather I hope I was dead
: if I
: were
: you; but you might have different priorities."

: OK. I was having the worst nightmare of my life. I was on a
: table in
: two
: pieces, still alive, some total asshole found me, and I was
: now
: being
: subject to the worst psychological torture in the history of
: psychology
: not
: only from circumstances, but also from this idiot of a nose
: who
: fancied
: himself Count Dracula, or something. "I can't still be
: alive!" Would
: I
: ever
: be able to talk above a whisper again?

: "Want me to fix that? I have a big cat in the other room.
: Percy
: might
: be
: hungry. Cats usually like their prey dead before they eat. But
: he
: might
: be
: in the mood for the bottom half. Shall I bring 'im in to
: see?"

: "Please don't." I didn't need to be finished off by
: a big cat. "Can
: you
: please bash my head in, or cut my head off, or something?
: Please
: finish
: me
: off. I can't live like this!"

: "Have you ever tried? Want me to call 911, and see if
: they can sew
: you
: back together again at the hospital? But they might keep you
: for
: observation for having attempted suicide. They did that to me
: once."

: Like I really cared about that right now. "Why no
: pain?"

: "You're in shock, dude. I know all about that, too. I
: lost the tip
: of
: my
: 'tude finger when I was a youngster, and I felt no pain. You
: asked
: me
: to
: cut your head off. Ya know, it's pretty rare to survive band
: saw
: incidents
: like what you did to yourself. If I did cut your head off,
: wouldn't
: it
: be
: neat if...I mean, did ya ever see that killer B-flick, 'The
: Brain
: That
: Wouldn't Die' with that chick who's fiancé kept 'er head alive
: until
: he
: could provide it with another body?"

: I got my voice back. "THIS CAN'T BE
: HAPPENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!"

: "But it is happening. Otherwise we're both hallucinating
: up the Yin
: Yang,
: and I don't think so."

: Suddenly another figure appeared in front of me. Tall,
: alabaster
: white,
: neon-red eyes, absolutely stunning for a dude, and he was also
: fanged
: I
: found, as he snarled, "Stefan, enough of this. I should
: have known
: better
: than to let you take this case from the way you begged, ye
: bleedin'
: neep
: noddle." He pointed at me, and waved his hand over me. I
: suddenly
: appeared
: to exist in my entirety. "Quinn, you are dead. Stefan was
: creating
: the
: illusion for you that you weren't. He's got a sadistic sense
: of
: humour,
: and
: I'm sorry for what he just did to you." Another Celtic
: accent!

: I sat up, and saw reality as it was. Both of my body parts
: really
: were
: on
: the floor, there was blood and guts all over the place, and it
: was
: as
: gruesome as hell. "Oh man! Stefan, you are a complete
: piece of
: shit."

: Stefan smiled, flicked both of his wrists in front of himself
: simultaneously; lifted one foot off the floor behind him self,
: and
: said
: "Thank yew," in the gayest accent I ever heard.

: I just had to laugh. "Dude! I heard you right when you
: threatened me
: with
: being like the head from 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die'?"

: "Yeah. You saw the flick. I found that out when I scanned
: your mind.
: You
: know, what you did; as well as the motivation behind what you
: did
: was
: pretty uncool. Just getting back at your wife because she got
: sick
: of
: you
: and took another lover? Looking back on it, don't you think
: you kind
: of
: deserved what I gave you, not to mention you are going to have
: to do
: another round in the Physical Realm for how you exited this
: last
: life."

: I just shrugged. "Figures. I always did believe in
: reincarnation,
: and
: I
: read about that happening, but I didn't care. Desire for
: revenge
: generally
: over-rides common sense, no? I'm still glad I did it, and I
: still
: can't
: wait to see what happens when Lizardbreath finds the body. Now
: can I
: ask
: you two a question?"

: Thanatos asked, "The fangs? Oh, they're just cosmetic.
: Bloodsuckers,
: we
: aren't. Liz is going to scream and pass out."

: "Can I watch, anyway? And maybe stay until she comes
: to?" I asked.

: "Man, this guy sounds like me," said Stefan.

: Thanatos looked down, and shook his head. "Ye gods."

: "Well, can we?" I asked.

: Thanatos looked at me. "I suppose so."

: Stefan then pointed at me. "Your next round in life. You
: know what
: might
: make it easier, and help you accomplish all you've set out to
: accomplish?"

: "What?"

: "Arrange to be born with a bigger nose."

: Thanatos pointed at Stefan. "STEFAN, GET OUT OF HERE. YOU
: ARE FIRED
: FROM
: THIS CASE. AND IF YOU DO THIS ONE MORE TIME, YOU ARE OUT OF A
: JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

:
: ***************************************************************************

:
: ***************************************************************************
: *************
: Loki, Eat My Dust

: Oh, what a sight the five of us must have been. Donn was using
: Thanatos
: as
: a pillow, I had my head on Donn's midsection, Reggie the
: archaeopteryx
: was
: on my chest, and the feline Percy's head was on my midsection.
: We
: were
: in a
: meadow in the shade of an elm tree. I had my eyes closed, and
: was
: scratching Percy's neck. Suddenly, I felt something gently
: stroke my
: nose.

: I opened my eyes. Reggie had just nosed my nose.
: 'Hmmmmmmmmmmm!' he
: transmitted to me. He turned his head sideways, and opened his
: sharp-toothed mouth just a little bit.

: "Reggie, if you bite my nose; I'll never let you sit on
: me again."

: 'It is tempting, some times. Considering the way you enhanced
: it,
: and
: the
: way you talk about it being a virtual god, and all? How
: focused you
: are
: on
: that damn thing?'

: "Don't go there, Reggie," said Donn.

: I gently brushed my finger down Reggie's nose. A bird with a
: nose!
: How
: nice. "It's only a game, Reg," I said.

: Reggie pressed his nose against mine. 'Well, maybe my nose
: doesn't
: like
: the competition. Ever think of that?'

: "Dude! You got a pair of nostrils. The tip of your beak
: less face is
: called a nose, but it's not like there's anything really
: there!"

: Yes, that one did get my nose bit, although rather gently.
: 'Nothing
: there,
: my tail feathers! Nothing there but some verrrrry sharp
: teeth.'

: "Ouch!"

: Reggie let go. 'I didn't hurt you, you twit. It's not like I
: bit
: down
: real
: hard and pulled, or tried to shake.'

: Donn laughed. "Will you two knock it off? I thought you
: were the
: best
: of
: friends!"

: Reggie pressed the side of his face against my face. 'We are.
: I can
: do
: guerrilla theatre too, can't I?'

: "Yeah, but isn't messin' with Stefan's nose kind of
: pushing the
: envelope?"
: asked Thanatos.

: 'I could take that nose out with one lick,' sent Percy.

: "I hope you don't," I said to Percy.

: 'Hell, no. I like my slaves in tact.'

: "You're doing wonderful things for our egos, Percy,"
: I said.

: 'OUR egos,' sent Reggie. 'As if your nose has it's own.' He
: tilted
: his
: head as if to get ready for another nose bite.

: I gently moved Reggie further down me, and sat up. I pressed
: my nose
: against his. "Well, maybe it does!"

: 'And I'm a tyrannosaurus!'

: "You could be. After all, you are one of the few critters
: who
: actually
: will use your abilities as a shape shifter to shift
: shape," I said.

: Reggie looked up. 'And perish this thought, but you could
: actually
: shape
: shift your nose big enough so you could contain the Universe
: or all
: of
: reality in your right nostril.'

: "REGGIE, SHUT UP!" yelled Thanatos.

: "Hmmmmmm! That reminds me. I think it might be fun to
: take a case,
: and
: give it a nose theme," I said.

: 'Oh, dear,' sent Reggie.

: "Reg, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for giving
: him this
: idea,"
: said Thanatos.

: 'You think I'll forgive myself?' asked Reggie.

: Percy, Thanatos and Donn sat up. Donn said, "I hope you
: don't."

: I stood up. "Yes! I shall create a temple to The Holey
: Order Of The
: Septum, and I shall find a case deserving of initiation!"

: Donn doubled over, Thanatos brought his hand to his forehead,
: and
: shook
: his head. "Ye gods!"

: I smiled, and changed gender. I would do the next case as a
: woman.
: Heh-heh-heh.

: *****

: Alfred Ramirez fell on the sidewalk as he ended his run across
: the
: street.
: The ten-year old lad almost got himself hit by a pick-up, and
: he was
: well
: aware of his close call with mortality! Maybe he'd start
: listening
: to
: his
: mom, and being a little more careful. He picked himself up,
: and
: found
: he
: only had a slightly scratched knee.

: Damn, it was hot. He wanted a pop, but when he checked his
: pockets;
: he
: only had fifteen cents. He'd have to go home.

: Alfred could take the short cut down the street through an
: alleyway
: that
: only had room for one car, with a huge old ramshackle
: abandoned
: house
: on
: it; or he could backtrack. His mother did tell him the alley
: way
: wasn't
: safe because who knows who could be lurking there, but Alfred
: was
: pretty
: thirsty; and it was so much shorter to go that way. Of course,
: being
: the
: pragmatic kid he was, Alfred took the short cut.

: He ran to the alleyway. There were nine houses on one side of
: the
: street
: which had their back yards walled off, and three on the other
: that
: had
: their front yards facing the little side street. The abandoned
: building
: had
: a large yard. Alfred hadn't been this way in a few months.

: Before Alfred turned down the alley, he looked around and made
: sure
: no
: one
: who knew him was around. He then ran down the narrow street.

: When he saw the old house, he stopped. The lawn was mowed, it
: had a
: fresh
: paint job, all the boards were off the windows, most of the
: upstairs
: windows were stained glass, the roof looked new, and it was
: obviously
: lived
: in. It looked very nice. The yard had the sprinklers on, and
: I; in a
: long
: black hooded robe was sitting on the front porch at a table
: with a
: pitcher
: of iced lemonade on the table, house cat Percy in my lap, and
: a
: golden
: eagle was perched on the rail of the porch.

: Alfred's curiosity got the best of him. He walked through the
: sprinklers.
: "Hey lady! Did you just buy this house?"

: Call me lady again, and I've got a crock-pot on the counter
: just for
: you,
: buster! "Last month. Aye! I'm Stephanie, by the
: way." Oh, I'm gonna
: have
: me
: some fun with this one.

: "I'm Alfred." He looked at the bird. "Is that
: an eagle?"

: I got up, and put Percy on the table with my lemonade on it.
: Alfred
: hadn't
: seen the cat, because it blended in with my robe. "Aye.
: His name is
: Reggie." I went over to the bird, and petted him on the
: back. "He's
: a
: golden eagle, but he's tame. He's never hurt anybody."

: "Wow! Can I pet him?"

: "Sure can. Want me to get another glass so you can have
: some
: lemonade?"

: "Please?" Just what he needed!

: "The cat is Percy. He's pretty nice, too. Be right
: back."

: "OK." Alfred went slowly up to Reggie, and petted
: him on the neck
: and
: back. Reggie just stayed perched on the rail, and closed his
: eyes.

: Percy meowed, and Alfred looked at him. "You want me to
: pet you,
: too?"

: Percy meowed again. Alfred went back to the table, sat in the
: chair
: that
: I
: wasn't using, and put his hand in front of Percy's nose. Percy
: came
: closer
: to Alfred, and started purring very loudly. Alfred's attention
: went
: to
: the
: cat.

: When Alfred looked around the porch, he noticed the
: doorknocker was
: a
: ring
: hanging from the nostrils of an iron nose. There was also an
: iron
: effigy
: of
: a nose over the door. He remembered me having a very large
: nose.
: Alfred
: chuckled.

: I came out with a large glass filled with ice extra cubes. I
: poured
: Alfred
: some lemonade, and refilled my own glass. "It's half
: juice and half
: water,
: so it'll be pretty strong. I use regular sugar to sweeten
: it."

: Alfred had some, and there was a lot of pulp in the glass.
: "This is
: better
: than what mom makes. I like your cat."

: "Percy is my familiar. I'm a witch."

: "Do you worship the Devil?" asked Alfred just before
: he finished his
: glass

: I laughed. "Lord, no! Most witches worship nature gods.
: Devil
: worshippers
: usually call themselves Satanists. I'm the High Nostril of The
: Holey
: Order
: Of The Septum. I worship noses." I refilled his glass.

: "What's a septum?"

: I pointed to mine. "This thing that separates the
: nostrils." How
: DARE
: anyone not know what a septum was?!

: Alfred knew it was a little impolite, but he just had to
: laugh. "I
: never
: heard of that." He had a few more sips of his freshly
: filled glass.
: The
: pitcher was now empty.

: "It's a pretty new religion. The only thing to it is that
: if you're
: a
: good
: nose when you die, you get a nose hair coat and you don't have
: to be
: born
: again; and if you're a bad nose, you get reincarnated with
: bald
: nostrils."
: Having to say that with a straight face was a trial.

: Alfred put his glass down, he was laughing so hard. "Nose
: hair
: coat?"

: I shrugged. "I don't know why, but nobody seems to take
: that
: seriously.
: I
: mean, how many nose hair coats are there in the world. Can you
: imagine
: how
: much they'd be worth?"

: Alfred shook his head, still laughing. "I wouldn't want
: one. That is
: gross!"

: I crossed my arms. "The nose hairs are cleaned off, OK?
: No snot!
: They're
: put on a spinning wheel, weaved on a loom, and depending on
: the
: different
: colour nose hairs; you can make very pretty patterns."

: Alfred was beginning to control himself. "Do you have
: one? A nose
: hair
: coat?"

: "No. I was a bad nose in my last life, so I'm still alive
: here and I
: have
: bald nostrils."

: "My father cuts his nose hairs. He doesn't like
: them."

: I brought the back of my hand to my forehead with as much
: dramatic
: flair
: as I could muster. "And he doesn't give the trimmings to
: me? Not to
: mention
: that nose hairs should not be trimmed. After all, they are
: sacred."
: I
: narrowed my eyes, and looked at Alfred. "Your father is a
: very evil
: man!"
: My voice was as histrionic as possible. I coulda been in a
: nineteen
: twenty's talkie.

: Alfred was taken aback. "For trimming his nose
: hairs?"

: "Well, if he doesn't belong to The Holey Order Of The
: Septum, maybe
: not;
: but those initiated into The Order cannot trim their nose
: hairs, or
: they
: get excommunicated. Now I'm hungry. I want a sandwich.
: You?"

: "What kind?"

: "What kind do you want?"

: "Roast beef?"

: "Sure," I said. "Be out in a couple of
: minutes." I got up, and went
: inside.

: Alfred finished his second glass of lemonade, and started
: petting
: Percy
: again. "Stephanie is nice, but crazy," he said to
: the cat. "I never
: heard
: anything so funny. Nose hair coat. Sheesh! I love her voice,
: too.
: The
: accent?"

: Percy stretched his head to Alfred, inviting him to be 'scent
: marked'.
: Alfred had a cat, and knew what Percy was doing, so he pressed
: his
: forehead
: into Percy's. Percy then rubbed the side of his cheek on
: Alfred's
: cheek.

: "You're a nice cat. You're pretty big, too. A lot bigger
: than
: Pumpkin."

: Just then, Reggie flew to the Stephanie's chair, and jumped on
: the
: table.
: He managed to not knock anything over, and he walked next to
: Percy.

: Alfred was stunned, as Reggie lay next to the cat. Both
: animals
: pressed
: themselves against each other. Alfred stood up, and moved the
: glasses
: and
: pitcher as far away from the animals as he could. "You
: two are
: friends,
: huh?"

: Reggie made a sound that almost sounded like a trill, and
: Percy
: nosed
: Reggie's neck.

: When I came out, I was carrying a tray. On it were napkins,
: two
: plates
: with sandwiches, garlic dill pickles, another pitcher of
: lemonade,
: and
: salt
: and pepper potato crisps. There was also a platter with some
: tuna
: fish,
: and
: a platter with a little bit of raw meat. "Apparently, we
: are going
: to
: have
: to hold our plates in our laps," I said as I put the tuna
: fish and
: raw
: meat
: on the table. Reggie and Percy looked at me, and then slowly
: ate the
: food I
: brought out for them. Reggie sent to me, 'I don't think this
: was
: necessary.
: You didn't have to feed us, and I think eating is kind of
: repulsive
: in
: my
: old age.'

: ‘And I’m struggling not to hiss and roar at you for feeding me
: this,’ sent Percy.

: 'Just try to roar in that form, babe. Anyway, please finish
: this
: just
: once. It’s not very much food,' I sent back. 'Do it for me.'

: 'I have a feeling this won’t be the last time, and you owe us
: one
: big
: time, baby!" sent Reggie.

: "I don't mind," said Alfred, completely unaware of
: the exchange I
: had
: with
: Reggie. “I have my plate in my lap all the time at school when
: I
: eat
: outside.”

: I gave him a napkin, and his sandwich; which was a Dutch
: crunch roll
: with
: roast beef, lettuce, onions, pickles, tomato slices, butter
: grilled
: mushrooms, mayo and mustard. Mine was the same, only with a
: tofu
: burger
: instead of roast beef. "Here ya go," I said.

: Alfred bit into it. "This is better than anything I ever
: had at home
: or
: that my parents bought from a deli."

: "I hope so," I said. "I have high
: standards."

: "I like your door knocker. I think it's funny."

: "Apparently you don't take noses very seriously."

: Alfred struggled not to laugh. "I never thought about
: it." He had a
: potato
: crisp. He'd never had a crisp of this flavour before; and he
: liked
: it
: quite
: a bit. "This is good. I better not tell mom I ate here,
: or I'm gonna
: be
: in
: trouble."

: "You can invite your parents over. I usually don't eat
: people."

: "Not usually, huh?" He hoped I was kidding about my
: implication. He
: liked
: me quite a bit. He thought I was pretty, too. He liked my pale
: skin,
: turquoise eyes, and longish red hair. He thought I was one of
: the
: funniest
: people he'd ever met. He also liked ‘my’ animals. Anyone who
: had
: an
: eagle for a pet must be OK.

: "No. It fact, it's never happened."

: "That's good to hear."

: "Not yet anyway," I just had to say.

: "I hope you're kidding."

: "Probably. You're a pretty bright kid. How old are
: you?"

: "Ten."

: "Catholic school?"

: "Yeah. And mom helps me with my homework. Explains things
: to me when
: I
: can't understand them."

: "Any brothers and sisters?"

: "No. I want one, but mom says we can't afford anybody
: else. She says
: she'd
: have to work full time, and she'd rather spend the time she
: has
: watching
: me
: grow up than being stuck in an office all day."

: "Smart woman," I said. "I assume she doesn't
: trim her nose hairs."

: "I don't think she has any,"

: "Then she was a bad nose in her last life. Maybe next
: time."

: "I don't think she wants any nose hairs. She shaves all
: her hair off
: but
: her eyebrows and hair on her head. She plucks her eyebrows,
: too."

: "Most women do. I never did, though." I finished my
: lemonade, and
: poured
: some more. "You want another glass too?"

: "Let me finish this first," he said motioning toward
: his glass with
: his
: head.

: "OK. Then I'll pour you some more."

: "How big is this house?"

: "I don't know. I never counted the rooms. With how I had
: the
: basement
: and
: attic fixed up, I guess I have about twenty rooms, give or
: take."

: "Must be hard to clean."

: "With my kind of money, I hire somebody. I don't do
: housework. I
: have
: two
: housekeepers and a landscaper on weekdays."

: "You're rich?"

: "Relatively!"

: "Can I see some of the house?"

: "Sure. After lunch, you can bring your own plate
: in."

: "OK."

: *****

: There were noses all over the place. Metal noses, ceramic
: noses,
: nose
: refrigerator magnets, and there were even rugs with noses
: weaved
: into
: the
: patterns. You couldn't go anywhere without a nose knickknack
: not in
: sight.
: When I took him downstairs to my 'ritual room', there was an
: altar
: with
: a
: good-sized silver nose in the middle. Instead of a pentagram,
: I had
: a
: circle with a nose in it on the floor. I even had nose
: candles, and
: two
: one-foot braids of hair on a clip. "What are those?"
: asked Alfred
: about
: the
: braids.

: "I can't grow nose hairs, so I wear a wig. I clip those
: onto my
: septum
: when I make an offering or prayer to the nose god."

: "Nose god? Does it have a name?"

: "Yes, but being that you aren't ordained into The Order,
: I don't
: know
: if
: I
: should tell you."

: "What if I promise not to tell anyone?"

: "Swear by your nose hairs!"

: He laughed. "What?"

: "Swear by your nose hairs that you won't tell, and I'll
: tell you.
: That's
: a
: mighty serious oath, you understand." I was really
: struggling to
: keep
: a
: straight face. This was just too much. Trying to be somber and
: serious
: under these circumstances was almost more than I could handle.

: "OK. I swear by my nose hairs that I won't tell
: anyone."

: "OK. The nose god's name is Snorfles."

: Alfred almost hit the floor. I literally had to fade out,
: laugh my
: head
: off, and time trip back to the moment I left so he wouldn't
: know I
: was
: gone. I just couldn't deal with carrying off this act without
: cheating.
: "Oh
: my God! You're serious?!" said Alfred after he could talk
: again.

: "Dead serious," I said. Yeah, riiiiiight! "But
: hey! It's easy. No
: money
: involved. No churches, and no tithing. Just recognise the
: sovereignty
: of
: your nose, and pet it once in a while. Talking to it is cool,
: too."

: "What's sovereignty mean?"

: I petted my own nose. "That it's an individual in its own
: right."

: "Stephanie. I like you and all that, but you're
: weird."

: I had to smile. "Trust me! I've been called worse."

: *****

: "Incredible," said Donn.

: "Leave it to Stefan," said Thanatos

: "Stephanie."

: "What's the difference?!"

: “Uh...not much of an Adam’s apple at the moment.”

: *****

: "Stephanie, do you have any kids?"

: "No. My nose takes too much attention. I consider the
: idea of having
: a
: child kind of like a third nostril. They take too much time,
: money,
: and
: they cause too much stress."

: "I'd like having somebody to play with. If I had a
: brother, we could
: play
: basketball and stuff."

: "It's different when you have to take care of someone.
: Lost sleep,
: not
: to
: mention having a baby can rip you apart. It's painful, and I
: never
: liked
: the idea of looking like a watermelon factory. I also value my
: time
: a
: lot.
: When I was six, my breeder cow bitch of an incubator made me
: take
: care
: of
: my half brother and sister; who were two and three. Defiant
: little
: bastards
: they were, and I used to beat 'em up all the time. Then again,
: so
: did
: my
: child abusing incubator."

: "Incubator?"

: "I sure ain't callin' that thing a mother," I said.
: I didn’t
: really
: feel
: the passionate hate I was pretending to exude anymore, but I
: was
: having
: just too much fun with this game to tone it down.

: "Oh."

: "You're OK, though. You strike me as being smarter than
: most kids,
: and
: I
: don't have to live with you."

: *****

: "That one would have made a great counsellor, huh?"
: asked Thanatos.

: "I was screwed up enough as a kid as I was, thank
: you," said Donn.

: "Was?"

: "Well, I'm good enough for you, huh?"

: Thanatos chuckled, and ruffled Donn's hair. "Wouldn't
: want you any
: other
: way. Same with Stef, for that matter! Though I gotta admit, if
: that
: kid
: was
: still alive; I'd put a stop to this yesterday."

: *****

: "If you're a witch, can you do magic?" asked Alfred.

: "What do you want me to do?"

: Can you become an animal?"

: "Stay there," I said. I backed off, and transformed
: myself into a
: cheetah.

: "Wow! Can I pet you?"

: 'A couple of times,' I sent him.

: "You can talk?!"

: 'No. I'm communicating with you mind to mind. It seems like
: I'm
: talking,
: though.'

: He walked over to me, and patted me on the head. "You're
: real. What
: about
: that nose thing?"

: I sent, 'We can talk about that in a minute! Let me become a
: person
: again.'

: Alfred stepped back. "OK."

: I transformed back, though this time, no robe. I was in what
: I'd
: worn
: under it. My Victorian breeches, white silk shirt with cravat,
: and
: coat
: with tails, No gloves or cloak, though. "Thanks."

: "What happened to your dress?"

: "It wasn't a dress. It was a hooded robe. Witches wear
: them for
: ritual."

: "You did a ritual?" asked Alfred.

: "Yes. I asked my god Snorfles if I should grow my nose so
: big that
: I'd
: keep the Universe in the right nostril. It said it wasn't a
: good
: idea."
: How
: I managed to say that without falling over is beyond me.

: "You can do that?"

: "Sure. Wanna watch?"

: "Uh...maybe not. Wouldn't it get dark?"

: "No. I'd have the sun and all the stars and galaxies in
: my nostril,
: too.
: But then space ships that go to the edge of the Universe might
: crash
: into
: my nostril, and we can't have that; can we?"

: "Why wasn't that ever on Star Trek?"

: "Because I haven't done it yet, and I probably never
: will. It's a
: good
: idea for me to listen to my god." I was gonna have to cut
: out again
: if
: I
: was going to keep this up. I barely had a lid on myself.

: "What else can you do?"

: "I can make things out of thin air. I can read minds. If
: I really
: want
: to
: know something, I can find out in no time. I can do almost
: anything."

: "What colour am I thinking of."

: "Red. That's too easy. Think of a whole sentence."

: "OK."

: "To be, or not to be."

: "That's right. You really can read my mind."

: "I also knew you were ten and didn't have any brothers or
: sisters,
: Alfred
: Ramirez. I just asked so I wouldn't freak you out. I didn't
: want you
: to
: be
: afraid of me, and when I joke about cannibalism, a joke is all
: it
: is.
: And
: you know something else?"

: "What?"

: "In a little while, I'll teach you how to be just like
: me. After I
: ordain
: you into The Holey Order Of The Septum, unless you don't want
: that."

: "I can be a cheetah after my ordaining?"

: "Hm hm." I started laughing. This had to come to a
: conclusion. I was
: going
: to ordain him by having him kneel before me and putting a
: plastic
: butter
: knife on his shoulder while telling him he was now High Nose
: Hair Of
: The
: Holey Order Of The Septum, but no way. I'd hit my limit.
: "Percy!
: Reggie!
: Get in here."

: Alfred looked at the door. In less than a minute, a big, black
: cat
: with
: sabre fangs came prowling through the door with an
: archaeopteryx on
: his
: back. 'You rang?' asked Reggie.

: "Yes," I said. "It's about time to tell Alfred
: all he is, and all he
: can
: be. I can't keep this up anymore without totally losing
: it."

: 'That he's as dead as a doornail, and that you just took him
: on to
: mess
: with his head about noses?' asked Percy.

: "Huh?" asked Alfred.

: "Poo! You cut the game short, cat dude. Anyway, this is
: the real
: Percy
: and
: Reggie. Reggie is an archaeopteryx. There aren't anymore of
: those
: around
: on
: Earth. They became extinct millions of years ago. Percy used
: to be
: my
: cat
: when I lived on Earth, but he was talked into shape shifting
: into
: the
: gorgeous thing you see there. Sometimes he becomes a person,
: but he
: doesn't
: like that. Alf, that truck you think missed you; didn't. We
: can go
: outside,
: time trip back, and look at what's left of your former home
: that you
: used
: to call your body; though I don't recommend it."

: "So I'm really dead?"

: "Dude! If I was alive like you were, I couldn't do what
: you saw me
: do.
: We
: are Etheric. Everyone can do what you saw me do. You're also
: not
: really
: a
: kid anymore. There are no children here, and as soon as I do a
: mind
: share
: with you to teach you the way of this realm real fast; you are
: going
: to
: take the adult form you are meant to have."

: "So you were only kidding about all the nose
: stuff?!"

: "I would certainly hope so, but I do joke about noses and
: my nose a
: lot.
: It's a left over habit from when I lived on Earth."

: Alfred smiled. "If this is what it's like being dead, I
: think I like
: it."

: I ruffled his hair. "Wait until you see the castle we're
: going to."

: "Castle?"

: "It's called Tech Duinn. One of my best friends built it.
: It's a way
: station, and you can stay there until you decide what you want
: to do
: with
: yourself."

: "Cool."

: "So, let's get you educated. Take my hand, and close your
: eyes."

: The adventure would only get more interesting for Alfred.

: *****

: "I don't think Stef will ever be doing that again,"
: said Donn.

: "Thank Snorfles!" said Thanatos.

:
: ***************************************************************************

:
: ***************************************************************************
: ************

: Link to whole series if interested.

: http://vergilxanon1.blogspot.com/

: It needs a lot more work on editing, but I QUIT! It's still a
: fun read in my opinion.

: Main series, poetry collection, short stories that are the
: best, and a pornographic ending called 'Closure' that
: reviews the series, and ends everyone's retirement from
: their hedonistic stay on the lower planes which I wrote
: especially for my former failed publisher, Edens Exile, but
: that company was killed along with my former failed
: publishers boyfriend's suicide.