I need to preface this article with adamant disclamation because...Tide pods, etc..
This is NOT a real report.
These are NOT real suggestions.
If you do not grasp the meaning of the word gullible or if you do not possess the mental acuity to look that word up in a dictionary and apprehend the definition with at least marginal clarity or if you do not know which word "that" word refers to or if this sentence does not make sense to you then DO NOT read the following article.
If you have very recently acquired a three month or longer supply of toilet paper then most emphatically DO NOT PROCEED!!! Just go away! It's for your own good! Just GO! NOW!
We, as an Authorized Diecision Making Body, composed of experts recommended by the International Sociopathological
Institute of Practicing Psychopathological Specialists, have established new, uniform guide lines for the reporting of mortality rates ascribed to the Corona virus. We have suggested that these uniform guide lines be enforced uniformly by uni-formed personal.
Mortality will now be determined by the number of dead which test positive for Corona virus either before or after
death. Conflicting data such as pre-existing medical conditions will no longer be considered as this tends to be
confusing for those who report the news as well as those who listen to the news. All who test positive, and are
dead, will be included in mortality statistics regardless of circumstances of death. This will place the
mortality rate at a fixed one hundred percent, approximately, so that no-one will be confused.
The only exceptions to this rule will be those places where testing is not available to everyone, both living and
dead on a twenty four seven basis. In these places Corona virus like symptoms, as well as death from any cause that can be remotely imagined to be the result of Corona virus, will constitute proof of infection and be included in the mortality calculation. The tiny difference of a few hundred percent increased death rate over one hundred is not expected to cause any problems, but a rule was made to exclude any data where mortality exceeded one or more thousand percent over one hundred. This rule was the result of some members of the Diecision Making Body suggesting that number of bodies present in cemeteries be included in the total. Other members felt that this would be over kill and declined to include this data, as well as one suggestion of counting road kill, in the total.
Suggestions for the personal hygiene of non-essential persons were also put forth. Studies prove that these
suggestions will provide one hundred percent protection from sickness or death by Corona virus if followed
Non-essential persons are defined as any person who has been described as non-essential by self or other, or who
can be described as non-essential by anyone else. The Diecision Making Body feels that this simple definition
eliminates much of the confusion that might otherwise result from more complex definitions.
After reviewing the volume and variety of hygienic products, both available and not available, the Diecision Making Body concluded that testing has indicated that the most practical and effective hygienic product available is
This diecision is based on several facts. Many auto parts stores carry battery acid at a reasonable cost. If it is
not available then many non-essentials own cars. It is a simple matter to sneak out of quarantine and retrieve the
battery from one's own car. The Diecision Making Body believes that uni-formed personnel will generally be
understanding and not actively try to kill non-essentials who have broken quarantine and are acting for the greater good of all. The third viable option is to take a battery from the car of some other non-essential. The Diecision Making Body is lobbying lawmakers to pass a law whereby it is lawful to take a battery, or any other thing, from a non-essential because the non-essential is simply not essential and therefore has no essential right to anything that may be essential to any other person. Lawmakers have indicated that they favor the essential simplicity of this reasoning.
Non-essential persons should carry a small container (two to four fluid ounces) of battery acid with them at all
times. It is recommended that the non-essential wipe his or her hands thoroughly with battery acid after any contact with objects or air. Battery acid is proven to kill one hundred percent of all Corona viruses it comes into contact
The Diecision Making Body also recommends that non-essential persons also carry a plastic baggie of paper towels
soaked in battery acid with which to wipe down public door handles, shopping carts, counter tops, card reader
buttons, touch screen devices and any other public surface which may pose a real or imagined threat of infection.
Common politeness would suggest the non-essential person offer a towel to any cashier with the friendly demand
that the cashier wipe hands and all surfaces that he or she might possibly touch in the course of transaction. It
should be explained that this is for the cashier's own protection should there accidentally be a virus present. They are small and they are hard to see.
Only a properly fitted full facial breathing apparatus with an exclusion rating of one hundred will stop all air
borne Corona viruses. Few people have these. A perfectly effective alternative suggested by the Diecision Making
Body is a clear plastic bag large enough to fit over the head and be secured firmly around the neck with duct tape
or a ty-wrap. Studies have proven that this method will prevent any possible infection through air ways, eyes or
inner ear. The use of translucent or opaque plastic bags are cautioned against as they may increase the chances for accidental damage to the bag and thus increase the risk of infection.
Recommended personal hygiene should include gargling with a fifty-fifty solution of battery acid and clean water. A few drops in the eyes and ears will effectively sanitize these areas. Inhaling the fumes from a bowl of warm battery acid will clear any viruses that may have attained residence in the nasal passages.
The remainder of the body can be soaked in a tub to which one quart of battery acid has been added. Tests have
shown that when the head is also washed in the soaking solution there is complete eradication of any viruses from
the surface of the body.
Additional testing has indicated that a table spoon of battery acid taken with the drink of choice will sterilize
the digestive tract thereby removing all fear of inadvertent infection from viruses that may have gained admittance there.
Clothes and other washable articles are proven to be virus free when one cup of battery acid is added to the wash.
In house surfaces are known to be completely sanitized when wiped with battery acid.
We, the Diecision Making Body, believe that these new standardized guidelines and suggestions will quickly and
significantly reduce the essential threat from the Corona virus. We invite you to work with us to achieve victory
over the Corona virus. Re-meme-ber; Death Is Non-Essential! Together We CAN Kill Death!